


There's Always Something

by breathetoabeat



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Explicit Language, F/M, Friendship/Love, M/M, Smoking, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2017-12-11 17:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathetoabeat/pseuds/breathetoabeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Devin is 21, living with her best friend in New York. And after what happened last year, day to day life is all she really can handle. But then comes along 19 year old Harry. He's cocky and has charm that Devin isn't ready for. She's protective of herself and doesn't really let people in, and he finds that a challenge.</p><p>They both have things they're running from, avoiding, hiding from each other. And there are things holding them back from each other. There's always something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First meetings

Today is one of those days where I open my eyes and immediately regret it. The room is hot, the sheets are rough, and I can tell through the orange curtain that it’s raining. Even before I move, I can tell today is going to be rough. I roll over to shut off the blaring alarm and see the large red numbers. 5:17 AM. Shit. I’m late again. These five am shifts are always a killer. And I’m ALWAYS late. I have two options now; roll back over, go back to sleep and later wake up to, "Devin! What are you doing?! You're going to get fired!!" from Jess, my roommate. I know she means well, but sometimes she’s more of a mother than a best friend. OR I can go to work and get a small talking to from my manager. Work. Definitely.

 

I walk into work and my manager, Jerry, calls me into his office. The walls are painted this off shade of white that is supposed to be more welcoming than regular white, but just makes things creepy. I've spent so much time in here I have my own chair. I fall back into the impersonal, barely padded, wooden chair as he starts in on the same speech I've heard at least a dozen times now. He tells me I need to be on time from now on and how this can’t keep happening every shift I work. I sigh and flip my hair a bit, perk out my breasts momentarily and apologize sweetly, almost whining. Knowing Jerry is quite a pervert, even though he has a wife and kids at home, works to my advantage. His eyes widen and he inhales sharply. He then tells me that he’ll give me a warning but the next time this happens I’ll be out of a job, which is also something I’ve heard quite a bit.  
I push through the large silver doors to the back stockroom to get a cart of new merchandise that has just been unloaded from the truck. Looking at the store I work at, you wouldn’t think there’d be such a large stockroom. It’s more of a maze than the sales floor, and items are everywhere making them difficult to find and the stockroom quite hazardous. I start pulling out a cart of dress shirts when hear a stack of boxes go over. I HATE the month of November. November means holiday season hiring, and that means a lot of new people who have the memory of a goldfish and the coordination of a baby giraffe on roller-skates.

 

I walk over to assess the damage to find a guy a couple of years younger than me looking down and swearing under his breath. His hair is kept longer than most guys, he has to brush it out of his eyes when he looks up, and his cheeks are pink from humiliation. There’s something about his face that looks familiar. I almost feel bad for him. I start picking up and checking the boxes he knocked over to see if he broke anything. A low raspy thanks escapes his lips as I help him restack the boxes.

“Don’t mention it.”  
“My first day and I’m breaking things, great.” he says as he shakes his head.  
“Uh, you knocked over a stack of pillow boxes. You can’t really break those.”  
“Oh.” I realize that probably wasn’t the nicest thing to say. He’s embarrassed enough, so I try to make up for it.  
“At least you didn’t do what I did, knock over a stack of boxes filled with glass ornaments.”  
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”  
“Nope, it really did.” I was only telling him this to make him feel better, but he didn’t need to know that. The ornament disaster isn’t really one many people know about. We finish restacking the boxes and I turn to walk away.  
“I’m Harry.” He reaches out a hand for me to shake, catching me off guard. When I go to shake it, I realize how large his hands are compared to mine, and I’m reminded of something, well someone, that I didn’t want to think about, so I pull away quickly and walk backwards to my cart, responding with, “I’m Devin. Better get back to work before you actually break something.”

 

I maneuver my way through the rest of the stockroom and just get out of the doors onto the sales floor when I’m surrounded by a swarm of about ten little teenage Barbie dolls that are all shrieking at the same time.

“You just talked to Harry?!” “What did he say?!” “What did you say?!” “Was he flirting?” “You know he can sing?!” “He was on X Factor!” “Didn’t win though.” “But he’s from England!” “English boys are SO hot!”  
“OI!” I nearly have to yell to get them to stop. “Enough! What the hell? If you want to get to know Harry, do it yourself and not vicariously through me. I don’t know anything, and I don’t care to. Plus, there’s work to be done, and instead you’re standing here wasting not only your time, but also mine. So go!” At that, they scatter, and I take a second to catch my breath.  
“Harsh” that same low rasp from earlier whispers so close that it makes me jump. I turn around to see Harry standing there with his hands in his pockets and a smirk across his face.  
“Shit! Don’t do that!” I hiss at him as I walk away.

 

I spend the rest of my shift avoiding him. He’s unloading the truck, so there was little to no possibility of contact anyways. What the hell is his problem? Who does he think he is? Harsh? Please. I went easy on those girls. He has no idea what’s going on. God, he’s such a pain in the ass.

I finish work and drive home. Jess and I have shared this place for years. Our apartment is small and painted with bright colors. It’s cozy. Random artwork on the walls, blankets all around, books everywhere you look. Very well lived in. It’s my favorite place in the world. I find Jess in the kitchen mixing up some drinks. She’s determined to get a drink named after her. It’s one of the many things I love about her.

“Oh gosh, Jess, bless you.” I say to her as I pull the pack of cigarettes out of my bag and light one.  
“Well there was a message from Jerry wondering where you were this morning, but you were gone. Plus the whole 12 hour shift thing kinda blows,” she says handing me a drink.  
“The worst.” I head into the living room and practically fall on the couch.  
“What happened?” Jess said following me.  
“Assbutt new kid made a mess that I had to help clean up, then I was nearly assaulted by a hoard of Paris Hilton wannabees about said assbutt, told them off, then got the shit scared out of me by the same assbutt.”  
“Assbutt? Out of all the words you could’ve picked, you picked assbutt?” She folds her arms across her chest, clearly amused.  
“I’ve had a rough day. Shut up,” I laugh.

Inhale. Exhale.

“So what’s so bad about this kid, BESIDES the fact that he’s new?”  
“He’s just a cocky, pain in the ass.” I really didn’t have a reason to not like him. I just..didn’t.  
“I thought you said he was an assbutt?” At that, I throw a pillow at her.  
“Shut your face.”  
She smiles and throws the pillow back at me. “I love you too. Seriously though, what’s his deal?”  
“Like I freaking know? His name is Harry, he’s from the UK, there was something about X Factor or something, and he’s an assbutt.”  
“Are you sure this rage is not something else that’s bothering you?”

Inhale. I know where she’s going with this. Exhale.

“Stop.”  
“Oh come on, I’ve never seen you so bothered over a new kid.”  
“It was just a bad day to start. One where I opened my eyes and I could just feel it. He just added fuel to the flame.”  
“Could the spark be partially because it’s only about a week away from when—“  
“I said stop.” I interrupt her. “You’re not going to bring this up. It’s not that.”

She looks at me over her glasses as I take another drink. She does this when she knows I’m lying. I know I’m lying. But I don’t care right now. I can’t deal with this yet.

Inhale. “Jess, let it go tonight.” Exhale.

“Fine. But we aren’t sitting around all night tonight.”  
“Where are we going?” I whine.  
“Netflix party at Alex’s. So comfy clothes.”  
“You know I’m not a fan of these nights much anymore.”  
“I don’t care. Get dressed.”

 

I scoot off to my room and stand in front of my mirror, just doing a once over on how bad I look. My ruby red hair us pulled up and messy. My face is plain. I didn’t put any makeup on, and since I’m real pale, I almost look like I’m sick. My face is simple. Not really a head turner. I’m wearing a plain grey fitted t-shirt, and plain black pants. I don’t really care what I wear at work, but it has to be work appropriate. I’m not fat, but I’m not thin either. I’m comfortable in my body. I’ve actually stopped caring lately.

I really don’t feel like going out tonight. After the thoughts and the feelings that have happened today, I just want to curl up in a blanket on the floor. But I know Jess won’t allow that. So I get into my favorite combination: oversized sweater, skinny jeans, and my knockoff toms. I let my hair down and for once, my hair didn’t look like an upside down yield sign. It actually curled quite nicely. Of course it works like this. I don’t care what I look like and I actually look like a girl.

 

I walk towards the living room when I hear Jess talking on the phone in a hushed tone, so stand right around the corner so I can hear.

“I know…No, she’s not talking….I’m trying, she doesn’t want to…yes…yeah, I know it’s Friday…I know, I’m sorry…No she can’t talk now…because she can’t…yeah…I’ll tell her you called.” She hangs up the phone and I walk into the living room.  
“Who was that?”  
“Ben. But don’t worry about it. Let’s go.”

On the car ride over to Alex’s, Jess turns down the radio and turns to me, “You know, we can talk about this. I’m here to listen.” I light another cigarette and turn the radio up, hoping she gets the hint.  
Inhale. Exhale.  
No such luck, she starts to yell over the music. “You know I’m going to keep bringing this up until we talk about it!” Great. This is because of Ben. She wouldn’t push me this hard.  
Inhale. Exhale.  
“I’m not…we’re not…there’s nothing to talk about. You can’t say or do anything to make this situation suck any less. Just freaking let it go!” I’m nearly screaming as we pull up to Alex’s.  
“For now.”  
I look out the window to see the house. It’s a big, old, brick house with a large porch. There are about 10 of us who get together like this, most of them live in the house. They’re the closest thing I have to a family right now. I barely get out of the car and I can already smell the booze and cigarette smoke. Tonight is going to be perfect. But that’s when I see him.

What’s Harry doing here?


	2. Harry's Here

“He’s here.” I say as I duck behind the car, pulling Jess down with me. 

“Who?”

I raise my eyebrows up at her, trying to hide my panic, but failing to do so, mainly because I pulled her down with me behind the car.

“Oh! Harry’s here.”

I can’t have him here. I just can’t. I don’t know what it is that makes it that way, but I can’t be here if he’s here. 

“Jess, give me the keys. No one has seen me, and I’m going home.”

“Dev, no. You can’t leave. It’s the first time we’ve been out in over a week. Come on, you can read your book or something.”

“I can do that at home.”

“Dev, you’re not going home. I’m not leaving you at home alone.” She stands up and fixes her shirt. “Sweetie, where did you see Harry?”

“Sitting next to Toby.”

“Well, No one is sitting next to Toby.”

“What?” I get up to look for myself. She was right. That’s weird. I saw him! “Jess, he’s here. I know it.”

“Too bad. Let’s go.” She grabs my arm and pulls me to the porch. It’s a nice square porch that provides its own seating because of the large ledge. I walk up the porch, take the empty spot next to Toby. My feet dangle because I’m so short. I’m sure Harry was here two minutes ago, I remember his feet touching the ground and thinking it was weird. I shake it off and light up again. I really should get this whole smoking thing under control. This is my third one tonight. I easily go through a pack in 2 days. Why did I even start? Oh, right. I remember. 

“Hey Casper!?” I snap out of the trance I was in to see Nathan looking at me, his arm around Jess. I don’t really like Nathan. He doesn’t treat Jess right. He’s too loud and always has to have his hands on her. 

“What?!” I snap at him. 

“Look who woke up. Off in your own world again, huh?”

“I guess I was. What does it matter?”

“So why haven’t you come up with a replacement to join us? It must suck to be the only one who’s single here—Ouch! What the fuck?!” Jess smacked him. “Let me finish my sentence. The only one who’s single BESIDES Toby? You know you guys make a cute couple.” 

I glance over at Toby. He’s not unattractive. He’s fit, his hair is real short, and his smile is very nice. He looks back at me and his brown eyes meet my blue ones, just for a moment when Jess stands up and announces, “Netflix, anyone?

 

We all find our place in the basement. It’s dark. The walls are painted black. I can feel the shag carpet under my feet. There’s a couch, a recliner, a coffee table with the glass missing from the middle because of a game of cards that went out of hand, a bar in the back with blue lights behind it, and a very large TV. There’s a race to get to the couch, but since I bought the chair I get that. Even before I open my book and get comfortable, the inevitable Netflix debate starts. Horror? No. Chick flick? No. Comedy? No. I’m content with my book, so I stay out of it.

“Just turn on Taken. Anything with Liam Neeson is worth watching” says the body that plops down next to me. All of a sudden, my body tenses up. I don’t have to look up to know who is sitting next to me. I know that voice. It’s the same one from this morning. That low rasp that made me jump. I fucking KNEW he was here! Not only was he here, but he was freaking next to me on a chair designed for one but could fit two if you squeezed a bit. Maybe he hasn’t realized it’s me yet. My hair was down, I had glasses on, it’s dark, plus my nose was in a book. The movie just started but maybe I can get up and get out to the car to go home. Jess can get a ride from Nathan. Wait, I hate Nathan. I’ll come get her. Shit, I’ve taken too long. It’s now or never. As I start to get up, trying to avoid him realizing who I am, I hear a small chuckle that makes me a little dizzy.

“You really can’t stand being around me, huh?”

Shit, I’m caught. I turn around and see a half smile on his face and his green eyes looking up at me. I didn’t notice how green they are before. Stop Devin. Focus. I scoff and respond, “You really are a smug one, aren’t you?” Avoiding his actual question. “I’m getting a drink.”

“Oh. Okay, sure.” He nods and turns his attention back to the screen.

“You know what? You-“ I stop myself when he brushes his hair out of his eyes and looks up at me, a small smirk come across his face. And I realize I’m playing directly into his hand. “You want anything?” I said, cooling off, and not giving him what he wants.

“I’m good” he said, gesturing to the drink next to him.

I walk to the bar in the back and grab the first bottle I see and pour a shot. I light up and start trying to figure out what to do. Inhale. I can’t leave now. Exhale. That’s proving him right and giving him exactly what he wants. I can’t do that. Plus I would have to get up in the middle of the night to get Jess. So that’s out. Inhale. Exhale. But I can’t sit next to him all night. I just..can’t. I can’t deal with this right now. Fuck, I knew I should have stayed in bed today. I mix up a heavy drink, head back in my spot and immediately pick my book back up, trying to avoid thinking about the warm thigh that’s touching mine.

 

About halfway through the movie, he clears his throat and leans over to me to whisper, “You realize there’s a movie on.”

“Yeah.” My eyes stay glued to my book. I can’t break eye contact with the words in front of me or I’ll completely lose it. I’m not even reading, all I can do is focus on breathing. 

“So why are you reading? School work or something?”

“You realized people do read for fun, or do they not do that where you’re from?”

“Ooh, ouch. Insulting my roots. Now that’s just rude.”

“So is sneaking up on people at work but you had no problem doing that this morning.”

“Snarky, I like that.”

“I bet you do.” I feel his eyes on me, but I am NOT looking up from my book. I can’t get lost in those green eyes. The last time I did…stop.

“I also like your hair down.”

At that moment Jess turns around, “Would you keep it down?” After last year, she does everything she can to keep me out of situations I could get hurt in.

 

After Taken, feeling on a Liam Neeson kick, we watch the first Star Wars, Les Misérables, Schindler's List, and lastly, Love Actually. As soon as that one starts, Harry leans over and whispers so close that only I can hear, and it sends a shiver down my spine, “This is my favorite movie, but I’d never really admit it, too girly.”

“Seems like you just admitted it to me.”

“Touché”

The movie is half over and I know I’m falling asleep. Everyone else has been out for a while, including Harry. I can’t make him move. That would involve waking him up and proving him right. But I can’t move without waking him up. So I’m stuck. It’s been a pretty great night, movies, alcohol, cigarettes, my friends. I love being in this basement. It reminds me of home. Everyone here is cool with everyone. This is where I feel safe. I spent a lot of time down here last year. The only problem was that HE was here. I don’t really know why that’s a problem. He’s a nice enough guy. Everyone here seems to like him. I wonder how long he’s been around. I haven’t been here for almost a month. He wouldn’t have made it down to the basement if they didn’t like him. Maybe I should embrace the fact that there’s something holding me back from liking him. Even just being friends with him. Nope. Not dealing with that. Not now.


	3. Dance it out.

I’m the first one awake. The air is heavy. It’s so hot that I have to consciously think to breathe at first. I go to grab my book but realize I finished it last night so I really have nothing to do now. I check my phone to see a text from Ben.

“Call me.”

I don’t respond. I can’t respond. Not right now. I look over to see Harry sound asleep. His lips slightly parted, and his eyelashes fluttered as he dreamt. His hair is messier than usual. Stop. Stop thinking about Harry. Distraction. I need a distraction. Well, I can go cook breakfast. I cook when I’m upset. Last year, let’s just say our grocery bill was through the roof. Now, the challenge is getting up without waking up Harry. Slip past, gently get up, and….there. I’m up. I go to take my first step over his foot and of course I trip over them. Wow, he’s got big feet. Thankfully it doesn't wake him up. 

I head to the kitchen to start on some pancakes. I grab my phone and turn on my some music. My head is all foggy from everything last night. I take a deep breath and suddenly I hear a voice, an all too familiar voice, a voice that sounds so real but I know it can’t be. “Dance it out.” I turn around to find an empty kitchen. Its official, I’m losing it.  
I sway my hips and hum along to the music as I gather ingredients, and I hear the voice again. “Is that all you got?” 

 

When I was little, I fell backwards off a swing. It wasn’t a far fall, but hitting flat on my back took every bit of air from my lungs, and it was a struggle to actually breathe. That’s what I’m feeling now. It’s impossible for me to be hearing this voice like its owner is standing next to me. A voice I haven’t heard in almost a year. I brace myself on the counter and take a moment to catch my breath. I close my eyes and say the words out loud.

“Shut up… dance it out”

I turn on “Brighter” by Paramore. It’s our song…or was. I start bopping along to the music. “You shine brighter than anyone” the voice sings to me. That’s when I really let go. I start dancing like I haven’t in so long and the fog in my head starts to clear. I twirl around on my bare toes, I jump around to the beat, I drum in the air. “That’s more like it,” the voice whispers. I forgot how freeing this is, dancing like a total fool, like I did last year. I fall to the floor laughing as the song ends.

 

And that’s when I see him, leaning against the door frame, arms across his chest and a smirk on his face. Clearly he had been watching me. I can’t believe he saw that, any of it. God, I don’t even want to think about how long he was there. 

“Well.” He walked over slowly and crouched down next to me. His voice was lower than usual, probably because he just woke up. His hair was nearly standing straight up. His eyes a darker shade of green. 

I can’t move. I can’t breathe. My head is suddenly in a thick fog again. I close my eyes just for a moment, just to try to wrap my head around what is happening and to focus.

\---

I’m ten years old. My dad has just given me my 5 dollar weekly allowance. I run to grab the shoe box under my bed that is filled with 5 dollar bills. I’ve been saving over a year now, but today I finally have enough. I beg my dad to take me to the guitar shop today. I can see the list of things he has to do today, but he says yes anyways. My dad is my best friend. No matter where we are, if I’m with him, it’s my favorite place in the world. He knows me better than I know myself. It’s sunny, and the trees are just starting to change colors. The radio is blasting some cheesy pop song and dad and I are dancing in the car. It’s the perfect day.

\---

I’m shaken out of my paralytic state thanks to Harry’s large hands on my shoulders. “Devin, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” I respond as he helps me get up. 

“I wasn't aware a girl could be so epic,” his lips formed a smirk and I noticed dimples gracing his cheeks. 

“Well, there are a lot of things you don’t know,” I snap at him, walking back to the counter. I’m so embarrassed, that I’m doing what I usually do, respond with anger. 

“And we’re back to being snarky. I though you being a bit normal would've lasted longer.” he replies following me.

“How long were you standing there?” I go back to making breakfast, trying to make my hands stop shaking. I don’t know why he makes me so..ugh. 

“Long enough,” he says in a singsong tone. Man, he has a nice voice. Stop it Devin.

“For what? To find something to tease me with later?” 

“You really don’t like me, do you?” he says as he comes closer. I look up from what I’m doing to see that same damn smirk across his face. 

“Don’t worry, it’s not you.” I mix the batter and walk over to heat the stove.

“Oh really?” he says, following me.

“It’s any new person at work. You aren't that special.”

“Oh I think I am.”

“Aren't you cocky this morning?” I respond. I should be cooking, but I still turn around to face him. Big mistake.

“I’m a lot of things.” He says with a small raise of his eyebrows. “I’m just saying I think you give me a little extra trouble.”

“And why do you think that?” I immediately regret saying it. He scrunches up his face to think, and my knees go weak again. Damnit.

“Everyone else you ignore. Or you’re rude to them. You give me the time of day, even if it is to hiss at me or something.”

“You’re quite the observant one. Wait, how do you know these kinds of things.You realize we've only known each other for about a day?”

“By my count, we’re at 29 hours.” He smirks and comes closer. We’re face to face. He’s much taller than I remember him being. He’s so close I can feel the warmth of his body, I get lost in his scent. I can’t do this.

“Smart ass.” I say as I push him away. Physically and emotionally.

Of course at that moment, Jess bounces in. “OOH! Pancakes! Thanks lovebirds.” She winks at me, fills her plate, and skips out leaving just Harry and I in the kitchen. I quickly turn back the griddle.

I feel his eyes on me, but I refuse to look at them, because then he’ll see that there are tears forming in mine.


	4. I'm not angry anymore, well, sometimes I am.

Jess and I get into the car and I am beyond pissed.  
“LOVEBIRDS?! What the fuck is wrong with you!? You’re supposed to keep me from shit like this. Jess, I can’t deal with this right now”  
“Oh stop, it was a joke.”  
“It wasn’t funny.”  
“Oh, come on, you guys are cute together.”  
“STOP. Seriously!”  
“Why? You need to stop being such a little shit about this. It’s been long enough! You need to move on with your life!” I could tell she was getting angry, but I was already there.  
“I’ll know when it’s long enough. YOU DON’T! You can’t know when it’s been long enough. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! Any other week, maybe, but really? You bring this up THIS WEEK? This week? I cannot believe you.”  
“I can’t believe you! Just stop being such a pussy and get over it already. MOVE ON!”  
“Why don’t you move on? We both know Nathan is an ass and you’re just staying with him because you’re scared to be alone. Just because your love life is shit right now doesn’t mean you need to meddle in mine!”  
“Oh fuck you!”  
I didn’t even need to see the tears welling up in her eyes to know that I crossed a line. But you know, she did too. I’m done with this.

 

When we get back to our place, she heads to her room, slamming the door behind her. Usually, I’d go after her when she gets like this, but I just couldn’t right now. All I could do is get in my sweats, fall onto the couch and cry. I thought things would be different. How did I end up here? 

\--

It’s the last day of school, the last day of fifth grade. The entire class is lined up by the door. The bell rings and everyone runs out. The sun is out and the clouds are beautiful. I run all the way to my house which is only about 4 blocks away. The last day of school is “Devin Day.” Mom, dad and I get to do whatever I want. I decide what we have for dinner, and what movie we get to watch. I’m so excited. I run up the sidewalk to the bright blue house and through the big brown door. I quietly set my backpack down and tie my long hair up, and start to tiptoe through the house to try to find my dad. Today is the day that I’m finally going to sneak up and scare him. I go down the hallway to the last door and peak in. I see my dad and my mom sitting on their bed. My mom has her hands covering her face and my dad has his arm around her shoulders.  
“How long? How bad is it?” I hear my mom ask.  
“I don’t know dear.” My dad responds. He looks sad. I remember that he said he had a doctor appointment today. He hasn’t been feeling too good. I push the door open and run to hug my mom.  
“Don’t cry mom. It’s okay. Today is ‘Devin Day,’ and I say it’s going to be okay.”  
“No sweetie, this time, it won’t be.” She says and she strokes my hair.

\--

“Wake up” Jess says as she smacks me with a pillow. I roll over on the couch to avoid even having to look at her. “Devin, get up. Now.”  
“Screw off, Jess.”  
“Devin, you’ve been on this couch for 2 days. Get up.”  
“Two days?” I roll over and sit up. “It can’t be two days.”  
“It has been. You needed the sleep. So I just let you.”  
“Let me? Didn’t know I needed your permission to sleep.”

“Okay, enough.” She says, yanking the blanket off me. “Here’s the deal. We both crossed lines. We were both hurt. And we’re not going to be like this. So we a both going to the kitchen, I’m mixing drinks and you’re cooking dinner and we are staying in that kitchen until we figure this shitfest out.”  
“Okay.”  
“Okay?”  
“Okay.” I get up and head to the kitchen. I’ll give her this one.  
“I can’t believe that worked.” Jess says under her breath as she follows me.  
“What am I making?”  
“Surprise me.”  
I get into the kitchen and grab the noodles and ground beef. Macaroni and meatballs is a classic in our place. Mainly because it’s cheap. Jess grabs the liquor and starts messing around, still determined to invent a new drink. Handing me an orange colored drink, she starts in on the conversation.  
“So why did my comment piss you off so much? I was only joking.”  
“I know, but we talked about this.” I say, taking a sip of the VERY strong drink, and handing it back to her. “Way too strong. I can’t deal with this right now.” I turn and place my palms on the kitchen counter.  
“Well when can you?”  
“I DON’T KNOW!” I yell, slamming my fists on the counter and knocking over the drink that Jess just placed by me. “I’m sorry, I just…” I grab a towel and clean it up as Jess mixes another. “I’m doing my best, and right now all that includes is breathing.”  
“Sweetheart, you can’t keep living like this. You know it’s not what—“ I stand up and stop her mid sentence.  
“He wants? Really? Yeah, well, I’m not getting what I want. Why should he?”  
I turn around as I feel the tears start to form. And I feel Jess’ hands come around my shoulders and her face next to mine.  
“I know.”  
“Why’d he have to leave me like this? I’m ruined! I’m damaged goods! He broke me.” I am completely crying at this point.  
“Devin, you’re hurting now, but I promise you’re not going to feel like this forever. You’re going to survive this.  
“How do you know?”  
“Because you’re not the first to feel like this, and you won’t be the last. Now. Back to your drink little miss. It’ll make you feel better.  
She always knows how to make me smile.  
“Jess, I’m really sorry for what I said. It was uncalled for and—“  
“Already forgotten. You were right. I shouldn’t be meddling in your love life. Now, how’s dinner coming?”


	5. You don't know.

I drive to work the next morning and of course I’m late. I get the same speech about my tardiness, and as usual I simply perk my breast out a touch and simply get a small warning. God that’s getting too easy.  
I start to walk out of Jerry’s office when calls me back. Crap. This is new.

“I almost forgot, I need you to train today. Show Harry how it’s done here, would you?”  
“Why me?”  
“Because you know what you’re doing, unlike the rest of us here.”  
“Well, that’s the understatement of the year.”  
“Don’t get smart with me.”  
“Or what? You’ll fire me? Go ahead.” I say, sliding my hands in my pockets and raising my eyebrows.  
“Just go.”

I walk out of the office and that annoyingly perfect low rasp comes out of nowhere.  
“Do you always whore yourself out to get out of trouble? Or is the cocky approach more effective?”  
“Excuse me?” I turn around to see Harry sitting in the chair right outside the door.  
“Seems like you’ve done that before. I mean, everyone knows Jerry is disgusting, but you abuse it.”  
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I snap, walking away from him.  
“Hm. Sure. So I hear we’re together.” He singsongs, walking after me.  
“If by that, you mean working together, then yes”  
“I bet we’d work well together.” He replies with that same smirk on his face.  
“Wow.”  
“Calm down princess. I’m only joking. What should I do?”  
“Go back and grab the rack…” I see him smirk. “Of MENS CLOTHES. And stop that!”  
“I didn’t say anything.” He chuckles as he walks to the stock room.

This is going to be a long day.

We walk out to the floor, Harry tripping over the roll rack. For such a tall guy, you think he’d be less clumsy. I start showing him the basics of merchandising: how to display things, the proper way to put up signs, how to fold things, and so on.  
As we’re folding a table of new jeans, he turns to me. “So do you like working here?”  
“It’s a job.”  
“Have you always lived in New York?”  
“No.”  
“Where’d you grow up?”  
“Look, Harry, I don’t mean to be rude but just…back off. Okay? And you’re folding those wrong.” I walk over and stand next to him, showing him the right way to fold the jeans. And his hand gently brushes the hair out of my face.  
“What the hell are you doing?” I say as I step back.  
“I just wanted..”  
“No, you don’t get to want things. You don’t get to talk to me the way you do or touch me like that. We’re not friends. My friends may like you but that doesn’t mean I have to.” I realize by the look on his face that I hurt him. I didn’t mean to. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  
“Harry, I’m..can we just get back to work?”  
“Fine.” He says, walking past me to get more jeans.  
We work mostly in silence for the next couple of hours. He only speaks up when he has a question about work. And I only speak when I am telling him to do something. 

Halfway through the 12 hour shift, he walks over to me and stands right in front of me.  
“Dev, what have I ever done to you?”  
“Excuse me?”  
“What have I done to you to make you hate me so much?”  
“Harry, I don’t hate you.”  
“Oh really? Tell me one nice thing you’ve said to me?”  
“I helped you with the boxes you knocked over.”  
“That’s your job. You were just doing your damn job.”  
“Look, I’m sorry I’ve been..it’s just..this week is so messed up.”  
“Seriously? You think I’m upset because you’re having a hard week?”  
“Look, I know..”  
“No, you don’t. You think you know but you don’t. You push away anyone who could possibly care about you. Why is that?”  
At this point, we’ve both stopped working. I stand there in shock while he turns around and walks back to the rack of clothing. I can feel the tears coming, so I walk past him towards the break room. “I’m going home.”

I call Jess as I get to the car.  
“Hey Jess, I’m on my way home”  
“Why? You’re not even halfway through your shift.”  
“I’ll tell you when I get home”  
“Hon, you better tell me now.”  
“It’s just Harry. I can’t deal with it today. Plus I took the rest of this week and all of next week off, might as well take today too.”  
“You got Friday off too?”  
“Yeah right, it’s Black Friday. I wish I had.”  
“I know. I took off this week and next as well, just in case.”  
“You didn’t have to do that.”  
“Yes I did. On your way home, stop for Starbucks, yeah?”  
“Why?”  
“Just do it.”  
“Fine.”  
“The usual for me, oh and a … soy latte.”  
“A soy latte? For who?”  
“…your mother.”

Hearing that almost makes me run the traffic light. Why is my mother here? We haven’t spoken since Jess and I moved here. When I told my mom we were moving across the country, that was it. Contact completely cut. I can’t fucking deal with this today.

“Devin, are we breathing?”  
“How long ago did we move here?  
“About three years now. Why?”  
“I’m just curious. I’m gonna stop at the store on my way.”  
“For?”  
“Chocolate. Pizza. And liquor.”  
“Good girl.”


	6. There's always two sides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I've updated! It's just been a long couple of months. Hope it was worth the wait. :D

-Harry’s POV-

I walk into my flat and toss my keys on the counter. My place is alright, I suppose. The walls are white and lined with boxes that need to be unpacked. It’s quite bland actually. So impersonal. I fall back on the plush couch my mum gave me and survey the room. There’s the couch I’m laying on, a small table next to it with a single candle on it, a blanket, an open suitcase with my clothes spilling out of it, a washing basket full of clothes that need to be washed, and my computer. It’s all I really need. All the boxes are filled with books and artwork and well, memories I’m not exactly ready to face. So I keep them closed. Just thinking about them brings closer to the surface this uneasiness I can’t ever seem to really fully shake. I lay back and just close my eyes as I start up my computer.

I catch my mind starting to drift to Devin. Ever since she helped me with those boxes I can’t get her out of my head. She just has this way about her that drives me mad, but like, in a good way. I don’t understand it. She has all these little things about her, and she probably doesn’t even realize them. Like how she hums and sings along quietly to the music that plays overhead at work. Or how when the light is just right, her hair looks like fire. How her eyes dart back and for the when she’s deep in thought, and how those same amazing blue eyes are always filled with sadness, no matter how big her smile is or how much she’s laughing. I wonder why she’s so sad. I just want to make her happy, but she won’t let me in. But then again, her letting me in means I have to let her in.

“HARRY?!” I look up to see four familiar faces on my screen. Zayn on the left, Niall next to him, Liam on the end, and Louis laying across their laps.

“When the fuck did you get here?” I respond, suddenly feeling very insecure and violated.

“Well, we’ve been yelling for a couple minutes to get your attention.” Louis says.

“You’re quite spacey today, mate.” Zayn chimes in.

“Been a long day, I guess.” I respond, trying to hide what’s really on my mind. There’s a bit of an awkward silence before Liam breaks it.

“So how’s America? How’s-”

“Find any girls yet?” Niall interrupts.

“It’s okay here. Got myself a job, some people to hang around with. Yeah…yeah, things are fine,” trying to tiptoe past Niall’s inquiry.

“How come nothing’s unpacked?” Louis asks obvious worry on his face.

“I’ve just been busy, I have out what I need. Don’t want to unpack too much too soon.”

Now Liam looks worried. “Are you thinking about coming back?”

“Part of me misses home and wants to come back, but the bigger part of me says no. I’m just not ready for it all quite yet.”

“You know they aren’t going to wait forever.” Zayn responds.

“Shut up, man.” Liam says, rolling his eyes.

“I told you and I told them I needed a couple of months. It hasn’t changed.” I hate trying to defend myself.

Zayn looks pissed. “Why the hell do you ‘need a couple of months?”

“Zayn, that’s enough.” Niall jumps in, clearly frustrated.

“Hey Harry!” Louis pipes in. “Did we tell you Li and I are really together now?”

“You finally grew a pair and told him Lou?” I say, noticing now how Liam is playing with Louis’ hair.

“Watch it Styles.” Liam says with a smile. “Be careful or we’ll find someone to take your bed. This flat is sick, man. You’re gonna love it when you get back.”

“Whenever that is…” Zayn says under his breath.

“I’m sure it’s great. I’d love to stay but my mum is calling and I really should answer it.” I say, looking at the blank, dead screen of my phone.

“Okay, well take it easy, lad.” Louis says with an obvious concern in his eyes.

“Bye, guys.” I close my computer and push it on the floor. I sit up and brush the hair out of my eyes. I needed to get out of that conversation. I wish the boys understood. I know they’re trying, but they don’t know the whole story. I’m sure Lou will call me later. He looked really worried. Lou and I have always been the closest out of the boys. He’s my best mate. Makes the best tea. Now that I’m thinking about that, I wouldn’t mind a cup. I get up and go put the kettle on. As the water is warming I grab my phone and dial my mum.

“Hello my love, how are you?” Just hearing her voice makes everything feel okay.

“I’m alright, mum. How are you?”

“How about you try that again?”

“What?”

“What’s bothering you?” Damn, I thought I was better at hiding things.

“Mum, what are you saying?”

“Harry, you’re my baby. I know when something’s bothering you.”

“It’s nothing though.”

“What’s her name?” I can hear her smirk through the phone.

“It’s just a girl at work.”

“Now, hon. We both know she’s more than ‘just a girl at work.”

I really wish she wouldn’t do this. I hate that she knows what’s on my mind without me actually saying anything. But she’s my mum, she’s really my best friend. And she’s the only one who really knows everything, even when it comes to why I’m here.

“Mum, it’s really not. I doubt it’s going to go anywhere.”

“But you want it to, yeah?”

“I’m not sure. I told the boys I’d only be gone a couple months. I don’t know.”

“What does that have to do with this?

“Zayn already thinks I’m sabotaging their lives on purpose. I can’t stay too long.”

“Why does this matter to your relationship with this girl at work?”

“I don’t want to start something with her and either force her into my world back home or end things to come home. She’s special, she doesn’t deserve any of that.”

“Baby, you realize you don’t have to come back. Nothing is set in stone yet.”

“I promised the boys-”

“I know but I told you when you left, I’ve been telling you all your life, and I’m repeating it now. Do what makes you happy.” I can feel the tears start to form and run down my face.

“I’ve always wanted to entertain people, you know that.” I respond, trying to hide the fact that I’m crying.

“Yes, but if everything that comes with it is too-”

“Mum, I PROMISED THE BOYS! I have to get over my stupid problems.” I sob into the phone.

“You know I’m not one for breaking promises, but I’m not going to let you give up your happiness for this. I love you more than anything. And I’m so incredibly proud of who you are and what you’re doing. So, wipe the tears, drink your tea, and be in the moment.” I completely forgot about the kettle that’s been whistling for some time now.

“Mum, I honestly don’t think she likes me anyway, why worry about it?”

“What makes you think she doesn’t like you?”

“She isn’t very nice to me. I try to get to know her and she just pushes back every way she can.”

“You asked personal questions without offering anything personal in return, didn’t you?”

“You know me too well. I don’t know if I can offer her anything.”

“Well here’s what you do. Offer up a small bit of yourself; tell her something you’re not completely certain you want her to know. She sounds guarded. If she knows you’re a bit vulnerable, maybe she will be too.”


	7. Here We Go Again

I struggle up the stairs trying to balance grocery bags, a bottle of wine, and a coffee carrier. I stop myself at the door and just take a moment to brace myself. I know what is behind this door. Behind this door is a past I left behind, painful memories I don’t want to face, and a woman who used to be my mother. I open the door and before I can even get my key out of the lock..

“Devin, you know it’s rude to keep people waiting. Especially family.” I walk to the kitchen, essentially ignoring her. I suddenly realize how messy everything looks. Dishes aren’t done, floors need to be swept. I’m surprised my mother could even bear to stand in the room. I know for a fact that she hasn’t sat down anywhere.

“Mom, I don’t know if family is the word you want to go with,” I respond, starting to put the groceries away.

“Oh, come now pumpkin, no need to get snippy.”

“Don’t..call me pumpkin.” There she stands in the doorway in her typical stance. Arms crossed, pinched look on her face wearing some sort of fur coat, simple black dress, overly high heels, and gaudy jewelry. And here I am, black jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers. “Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“Yeah, well you woke up on the wrong side of the country.”

“I’m here with David for a business conference. Plus there are some renovations being done to the main house, so we thought we’d come to the Brownstone for a while.”

“And how is good ol’ David?” I snarl, continuing my movements around the kitchen. “Now why do you have to say it like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like he’s a bad person or something. David is a wonderful man, you know that.”

“Wonderful? Wow, you really have a bad choice of words today. You know how I feel about him!” I can feel myself getting angrier. Just her being here makes my blood boil. “I know you’ve never been real fond of him, I’ve never understood why but-”

“Because he changed you!” I interrupt. Turning around, really facing her for the first time. I really didn’t want to get into this, but here it goes. “What?” For a moment, her face softens. Just for a moment, she looks like a normal person, like my mom. But then just as quick as it’s there, it’s gone. “You’re not my mom. Not the one I grew up with at least!”

“I’m not sure I’m following.”

“Dad died, and then in comes David less than a year later. Mr. Wonderful.”

“Pumpkin, I was lonely.”

“Stop calling me that! I’m not your pumpkin anymore. And I had just lost my best friend. You know how close dad and I were. I lost everything. Even you. I was the lonely one”

“Now, I was always there for you.”

“You’re joking, right? Once David came into the picture, we moved and got a maid and a chef and all this other stuff I didn’t want. You were gone. The mom I grew up with who made brownies every Friday and the best homemade macaroni and cheese was gone. The one who would take me down Main Street to window shop when I was upset, or make blanket forts in the living room went missing. She became you: this woman who dresses in designer and is always wearing diamonds.”

“Well, I’m sorry you think that-“

“No, mom. You can’t write this off as some story I just came up with. Why do you think I left as soon as I could? I didn’t want that life.”

“Oh yes, you’ve gotten yourself quite the life now, don’t you? Living in a ratty apartment with Jess, working at low class job, wasting away here.”

“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to show up and start insulting my life. I honestly don’t even know why you’re here, you’ve yet to explain that.”

“I just wanted to…well, to check on you.”

“It’s been three years. No contact till now. And now you show up out of the blue. Why do you care now?”

“Well, today's Thanksgiving, and I know tomorrow is going to be rough for you so I just—“

“Leave.”

“What?”

“Get out! You have no right.”

“Fine. I’m going. But I’ll be in the city all week if you change your mind.” She says, handing me a small card with a phone number.

“I won’t”

As she walks out the door, I take her soy latte and throw it after her, the cup hits the wall and the liquid splashes on the floor. Suddenly every ounce of my energy is gone from my body; I sink to the floor and start to cry. My entire body aches. I miss my dad. I miss my mom, well, the mom I grew up with. And for the first time in a long time, I just let myself miss him. Tomorrow will be a year. I feel Jess’ arms come around me as she joins me on the floor. She holds me, telling me things are going to be okay. I honestly believe she’s not trying to just reassure me, but herself as well.


	8. Oh how the tables have turned.

I have to convince Jess that I’m really alright and that she can go out with Nathan for the night. I really just want to be alone. I turn on some soft music and settle in with a bottle of wine, a warm blanket, and a new book. I barely get a chapter in when I hear a knock on the door. I swear, it better not be my mother. I wrap the blanket over my shoulders and shuffle to the door.

“Uh, hi.”

“Harry? What are you doing here?” I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable, trying to cover myself up more.

“I just came to apologize. I shouldn’t have acted like I did today.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I can tell that it takes him off guard how I’m not snarling at him. I just really don’t have anymore fight in me today. “Would you like to come in?”

“Um, sure.”

“Would you like a drink? I have a bottle of red open.” I say, walking towards the kitchen.

“That’d be nice.”

I grab a glass down and head to the couch with him following me. I can tell he’s shocked I didn’t slam the door in his face, and to be honest, I kind of am too. I fill his glass and he joins me on the couch. I reach over and light a cigarette.

“Can I…” he starts pointing to the pack. I reach over and hand him the pack. He takes one out and lights it.

“I didn’t know you smoke.”

“Yeah, well there are a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

“Now who’s getting snarky?” I say with a cock of my brow and a smirk on my face.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for trying to pry today. You told me to stop and I didn’t”

“So after I left did Jerry make you finish?”

“Alright, change of subject…uhm, no. He said since you left it must’ve been a rough morning, so he let me go home.”

“So how’d you spend the rest of your day?”

“Personal questions?” he scrunched his eyebrows, clearly confused.

“Is that a problem?”

“Oh..no problem. Um..” I could tell he was surprised. I made it clear earlier that I didn’t want to get to know him, or more that I didn’t want him to get to know me. And now I was the one asking questions. “My day..uhm, got to Skype with the boys. I really miss those lads. They all got a flat together after I moved here.”

“How long have you known these boys?”

“Not long, I met them at X Factor.”

“X Fact-“

“We aren’t going to talk about that.”

“Alright.” I could tell that talking about X Factor for him was like talking about last year for me. “So what else did you do?”

“Oh, I called my mum. I miss her more than anything. It’s hard being away from her.”

“Sounds like you’re pretty close.”

“Yeah” He shakes his head and flips his hair out of his eyes. He’s got a small smile on her face and I can tell he really cares about his mom.

“That must me nice.”

“You aren’t close with your parents?”

“Well my dad died when I was young and my mom and I haven’t really gotten along since. Jess and I left as soon as we were old enough.”

“So it’s just the two of you out here?”

“Yeah, I love Jess and the life we've got out here. But part of me wishes things were different.”

“I think everyone wishes that about their lives.” Suddenly his eyes get very sad.

“She showed up today. It caught me off guard.”

“Who showed up?

“My mother.”

“Why’d she come?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Is she the reason you’re so angry all the time?”

“I’m not angry. I’m just…coping.”

“With what?”

“We’re not going to talk about that.”

“Okay.”

“What?”

“I said okay.”

“You’re not going to push the subject?”

“No.”

“Wow, you’re the first person not to try to make me talk about it.”

“I figure you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

“When I’m ready? I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”

“I know what you mean, but we’ll get there. Eventually.”

“We?”

“You’re not the only one with scars, princess.”

“I really appreciate you not pushing me.”

“Don’t mention it.” He smirks, mimicking me from when we first met. “So what were you doing before I came over?”

“Pretty much this. Blanket, wine, except I was reading before.”

“You and your books. Do you ever watch films?”

“I just enjoy books.”

“Last time you went to the cinema?”

“I honestly can’t remember.”

“That’s it.” He says, getting up. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“The cinema” he offers me a hand up and I take it.

“Now?”

“Why not?”

“Wha- uh- we don’t know what’s playing?” That’s the best excuse I could come up with?

“Small insignificant detail. Now go get changed.”

“Fine, you win. But this isn’t a date.”

He smirks and lets out a small chuckle that reawakens the butterflies in my stomach. He shakes his hair our and flips it. How did I not notice he did this before? He meets my grey eyes with his beautiful green ones.

“Did I say it was a date?”


	9. Not a Date.

Harry takes me to this hole in the wall theatre about two blocks from my apartment that I never knew existed. He gets the movie tickets while I get a couple of drinks and some popcorn to share. We get into the theatre just as the movie starts when I realize the movie is in French, with no subtitles.  
“Harry, I don’t speak French.” I say, looking over at him.  
“I know that,” he responds, keeping his eyes on the screen.  
“Do you?”  
“Oui.”  
“So why’d you bring me to a movie only you understand?”  
“Your imagination could use some work there, princess.” He smirks, meeting his eyes with mine. “Now, do you know what they are saying? No. But do you know what emotion they’re feeling? Yes, by looking at them. Look at the screen, what’s the emotion?” I turn my eyes to see a woman take a bowl and throw it against the wall.  
“She’s mad, frustrated even.”  
“About what?”  
“Harry, I told you I don’t speak French. How the fuc-”  
“This is where the whole imagination thing comes in.”  
“I’m not sure I’m following.”  
“Why do YOU say she’s mad? Like, what’s going on that’s making her so upset?”  
“I still don’t understand.”  
“In life. There are a lot of things out of our control. So many things that make us feel sad or upset that we have no control over. But this film? We get to sort of control the story. We have control of something just for a moment. It may be just a film, but having that small sense of control over SOMETHING, anything really, is powerful.”  
I’m suddenly frozen. Literally frozen to this spot. I could tell he was sharing something fairly personal, not just something superficial, but something deep. I know I should say something, but what? Finally after what seems like forever, he looks over at me.  
“So, what’s she upset about?”  
“Uh..she’s upset…because the dishes aren’t clean.”  
“So now we make our story.”

\-----

“Come here Dev,” I hear my dad whisper. I move quickly over to his bedside to make sure now wire or tube connected to him is kinked. I hear the steady beeping of the monitor signaling his heart is still beating. “Oh no, my love. Nothing’s wrong I’m fine. Hop up next to me.”  
He slides his body over, his face clearly showing how much pain a simple movement causes him. I climb up, making sure not to hurt him. Once I’m up next to him, he pulls a small red box from under his pillow and hands it to me.  
“Happy 12th birthday, princess.”  
I honestly forgot it was my birthday. I’ve been spending all my time in the hospital sitting next to my dad. I would bring it books or movies. Sometimes I would just sit there with him, just to be with him. I wanted to spend every last second with my dad while I still could.  
I open the box to reveal a silver necklace with a round pendant. Etched within it are the words “Just Be” in my dad’s all too familiar chicken scratch.  
“Dad, I don’t know what this means.” I say, looking up and meeting his eyes.  
“What it means is that you’re 12 now, but you’ve had to deal with things that you shouldn’t. You worry, you over think, you try to fix everything, and I love those things about you. I love everything about you. But you need to learn how to just be. How to take a moment and be in that moment. Don’t worry about what could happen, what will happen, what should happen. Don’t over analyze. Just…be.”  
“So like when-”  
“Ah ah ah, right now, just be.”  
“But-”  
“Be in this moment. You’re right here with me. Nothing else matters.”

\------

“Just Be.” I can still hear my dad’s voice echo in my head. Sitting next to Harry, I’m not worried about anything. In the back of my mind there’s the little voice telling me how bad of an idea this is, but for the first time in a long time, I ignore it. I sit and make up a story with Harry, even though he knows what’s really going on in the movie. It doesn’t matter though. Him and I are just content, enjoying each other’s presence. Being.

After the movie is over, he walks me back to my apartment, talking about just random nonsense the entire time. While we talk, I’m playing with the necklace from my dad. I always wear it. Once we’re standing at my door, he notices.  
“What are you playing with.”  
“Oh it’s from my dad.” I immediately regret saying it. I could have, should have just said it was a necklace.  
“What does it say?”  
I pull the chain forward to show him, and his face gets dangerously close to mine, engulfing me in his scent. Just as I feel as though I’m going to pass out, he leans back and pulls a chain that’s around his neck that I didn’t notice out of his shirt. It’s a dog tag with the words “Be in the moment” in a very pretty script etched in.  
“Guess my mum had the same thought.”  
My eyes move up to meet his when he leans in and gently brushes his lips against mine.  
“Harry, I’m sorry I can’t.” I say, going inside the apartment and collapsing onto the floor.


	10. Dev Squared

I need to move. I can't move. My head is in such a fog. I can faintly hear Harry on the other side of the door talking to me, but I haven't the slightest clue what he's saying. After a while, the talking stops, but I haven't moved. Light starts to peek from the windows and I realize it must be morning. That thought is confirmed when I fell the door push against me and Jess squeeze past.  
"What the fuck, Devin?!" she yelps as she trips over my feet, obviously hung over. Then, realizing I'm on the floor, she immediately sits right next to me and I lean my head on her shoulder. No words, no talking, just presence.  
"Dev, please. Open the door," comes from the other side of the door.  
"Harry's still here?"" I sit up, extremely confused.  
"Babe, he was asleep outside the door. I tried stepping over him but I tripped."  
"Over his feet?"  
"Yeah, why does someone have such large feet?" she laughs through her words.  
"Jess, it's Friday," the tears starting to form in my eyes.  
"Shit. I didn't even realize. Wait. What does that have to do with Harry outside the door? What happened last night? Did he do something? Did he hurt you? I swear to God if he did any-"  
"He didn't. Well, he did something, but he didn't hurt me."  
"What did he do?"  
"I kissed her. And you both realize I can hear everything you're saying through this door?"

At this point, I have a couple of options. I could go out and face Harry right now, or I could tell him to go away. Either way we both have to work today. Black Friday is probably one of my favorite days of the year, work wise at least. But this year is different. It's the day I've been dreading for so long, the day I don't know if I can handle. Jess is more concerned than I've seen her in a while, maybe ever.  
"Babe, what do you need from me? Do you want me to get rid of Harry?"  
"No, uh. I'm actually going to go talk to him."  
"What?"  
"I'm going to go talk to him." I say as I get up, then pulling Jess up.  
"Right now? Today? Why?"  
"Because he could be important. I like him, and you know how big of a deal that is for me. And if this thing is going to go any farther, he deserves to know the truth."  
"Wait, what?"  
"I'm telling him what he's getting into. "  
Jess grabs me and pulls me into her arms when we both start crying.  
"I miss him too, Dev. I miss him too."

\-----

I open the door to see Harry standing there. His hair is a mess, his clothes wrinkled and his eyelids heavy.  
"Hey Harry. Let's go for a walk." He follows me down the hall and out the door without question. The cool wind feels good against my warm face. It reminds me of that day. As we walk, I'm trying to figure out how to talk about this. How do I even bring this up? Finally, I take a deep breath and just start talking.

"I met Devon at work. It was the day I knocked over the box of ornaments. He came over to help me pick up the mess. I was so embarrassed. He made a joke out of it. He was a lot like you. Had the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing going for him. He even had green eyes. He said I had a nice smile. I looked down and blushed and he brushed the hair out of my face, like you did yesterday."  
"Okay." I look over at him next to me as we walked, his hands in his pockets, his eyebrows scrunched as he listened.  
"Everyday after I broke those ornaments he pestered me to go out with him, but in a cute way. Notes shoved in my locker at work, letters from "a secret admirer." I finally agreed to go out with him. He was such a gentleman when we went out. He held doors, took my jacket, made sure he was on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street to protect me from cars. Like the way we're walking now. He was so easy to talk to. He knew everything there was to know about me. Trusting him wasn't hard like I thought it would be. He just got me, like he could read me. He noticed little things about me I didn't even know I did. He had such strong arms. His arms were the safest place I knew. He became my best friend. Devon and Devin. People called us Dev squared. We dated for a year and a half before he proposed. He had even gone to where my dad was buried to "ask" for permission. My dad would have loved him. Of course I said yes. I loved him. He had always said things like I was his one; I was his real chance at happiness. I was finally starting to believe he was mine too. He was always real romantic. He sent me flowers at work, I would come home to rose petals leading to a steaming bath, he did everything I could possibly dream of to make me happy. He would always say he's just trying to give me a taste of the happiness I gave him. Jess even loved him. They became real close when he moved in." I stopped for a moment to catch my breath. I hadn't talked about Devon in a long time, especially with this much detail. I could already feel the tears forming in my eyes.

"The wedding was a month away. One night Jess and I were huddled over a table full of magazines and flower samples making final decisions. Of course things happened when Devon wasn't home. He said he was more excited about the marriage than the wedding anyways, so I should just take care of everything. The only thing he wanted to help with was the cake. Typical Devon. I was just refilling mine and Jess' wine glasses when my phone rang. Jess answered it and with every sound coming from the phone, her face sank. There had been an accident."  
Harry stopped and turned to me, "Dev, you don't have to continue this story if you don't want to."  
"I know, but I want you to know what you're getting into." I replied, taking another deep breath and continuing to walk. "Jess rushed me to the hospital. We got there just before they took him to surgery. They told me he had uh, obvious head and chest injuries but they didn't look too serious but I could only have a minute before they had to take him. I was so scared. All I remember is him telling me that he loves me and he'll see me after. I told him I loved him too and joked that he better not leave me at the altar. That made him laugh, which I imagined hurt. He told me to kiss him, and I did. The team working on him then wheeled him away. I grabbed one of the doctors and told her not to kill him. she told me she would do everything she could, and she would update me when she had a better idea of what was going on. When she walked away, Jess asked a nurse what had happened. Apparently a semi didn't see Devon in his little car and had run him off the road unintentionally. I always told him he needed a bigger car. he had this little ancient thing that barely ran that was so tiny. It barely sat two comfortably and that was when you didn't have anything in the back. About an hour later, the surgeon came out and sat next to me. She took my hand and said she was very sorry and she had done everything she could, but that he had died at 7:43 pm. There was too much bleeding and his injuries were more extensive than they thought." I can feel my hands shaking as we walked, and Harry noticed as well. So he took my hand in his and kept walking, rubbing his thumb over mine.

"Everything for the next couple of days afterward is a blur. I remember lying in random places in the apartment: a couch, a bed, the floor. I remember no matter what time of day it was my cheeks always had tears on them. I remember I was in the kitchen cooking a lot. Then there was one day, I had been lying on the kitchen floor for a good while in my wedding dress. It's just a girl thing, I never got to wear it. When Jess came home, she laid next to me on the floor. She told me that it was time to get up. Try to move on as best I could, that she would help. I remember her saying "I know it hurts, and I know it's impossible to exist in a world where he doesn't, but we have to have enough respect for him to try.' So I got up. here I am. Today is actually one year since he died."  
"I'm so sorry. I can't even ima-"  
"I know you're sorry, and I know that's the thing to say when someone is dealing with loss like this, but it really doesn't help...I'm sorry. that was rude."  
"No, it's alright. I like how honest you are."  
"Well, then you're really going to like me now. I wanted to tell you this because I do like you. I really like you. And that scares me. You remind me of him, and I don't want to get attached if something bad is going to happen. I don't know if I could handle it. But I like you, which I didn't think I could ever feel this way again, so that in itself is a miracle. But if this is going to go anywhere, I just thought you should know what you're getting yourself into. Losing Devon broke me in ways I didn't know existed. I'm damaged, broken goods." At this point, nothing I could do would stop my tears.  
He stops and pulls me into his arms, and I don't fight it. I feel safe here. "Don't you ever talk about yourself like that, love."

We stood there for quite a while, him just holding me as I cried. When I finally caught my breath, I looked up at Harry. I could tell he had something pretty heavy of his own on his mind. "Dev..Since you're telling me what I'm getting into, I guess I should tell you what you're getting into."


	11. Harry's Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry I've been away so long. My life started to crumble around me so I've been dealing with that. Hope it was worth the wait!

Harry’s POV

She opened up to me in a big way. Telling me what she did must’ve been terrifying. With her arms around my waist, and mine around her shoulders, I can feel her heart racing. I never want to let her go. Her hair smells like some sort of flower, her body melts perfectly into mine. I knew I cared about her, but right in this moment I know I need to protect her. I can’t let anything hurt her. So now the question is how can she be a part of my life and not get hurt. God, I need her to be in my life.

“Dev..Since you're telling me what I'm getting into, I guess I should tell you what you're getting into.” I take her hand in mine and start walking again.

“I auditioned for the X Factor when I was 16. I knew that music was something I wanted to do professionally and I figured that this would be the place to find out if I had what it took. I mean, you kind of want someone who knows what they’re talking about to tell you if you’re any good or not instead of just your mum saying that she likes it when you sing. I made it through to boot camp, but didn’t make it past that on my own. The judges put me and 4 other lads together in a group to get us to the next stage. It was myself, Louis, Niall, Liam, and Zayn. One Direction was our group name. We went to my house to practice and get to know one another. We ended up playing football..uh, well, soccer or just had a laugh most of the time. We did find out that together we sounded pretty good. We made it past the judges house, and into the live shows. We actually ended up going pretty far, third place. Even though we didn’t win, our fans were crazy. Throughout the whole time on the show fans kept showing up at the studio, more and more each week. Even the show producers and judges thought it was odd. At first the boys and I thought it was cool. I mean, people wanted to see us, to meet us. I was just a kid from Cheshire. I could never get used to walking outside and having people screaming at me. I mean, I laughed and smiled and took pictures and yeah, but it was just a lot to process. Too much to process for a 16 year old kid." 

The only other person who knows this whole story is my mum. The boys don't even know this. But I can't drag her into my life without telling her this. But Jesus, I really don't want her to get hurt anymore. I honestly don't know if it's possible for her to be mine without getting hurt.

"When the show ended I thought that meant all the girls and all the screaming would end too. I mean, we were in the process of signing a record deal but nothing was set in stone. We hadn’t released a single or anything. But I couldn’t go anywhere without someone noticing me and tweeting about it or texting their friends or something. I’d be out getting something to eat and suddenly there were 100 girls outside screaming. I  couldn't go ANYWHERE. And it just got worse. I mean, girls started showing up at my house, harassing my mum, my sister just to gain access to me. I was 16. I couldn't deal with it. It wasn’t just me either; all the boys had similar experiences. Someone even broke into Liam's house. So we sat down with the label people and asked if we could put all this on hold, until we were all a bit older. I mean, we’re all just normal teenage lads. We’re not robots. We have feelings; we go through things too. Once it was made public that nothing was coming out soon, things started to slow down.  We got to be normal for a little while longer. I spent a lot of time talking to my mum, about if I really wanted all of it. I mean, I want to make music, but did that mean I couldn’t have somewhat of a normal life? Sometimes things happen and you suddenly get a whole new outlook on life. I liked my life at home, more than I realized before.There were still the girls here and there who would ask for our picture, but considering we weren't like, famous no one really cared. And that was a whole different level of emotions. Makes me question if people really liked me for me, or because I could be "famous."  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be famous anymore. I spent a lot of time thinking about that word. Famous. I feel like when people label people as famous they take away a lot of substance that they have as a person. So you don't think some-, you don't remember someone as he was funny or they were really nice and giving. It's like; they were famous. I hate it. I don't want people to label me like that. And I'm still not sure if I'm ready for it. About a month ago, the boys and I got a call asking if we wanted to reassess and see if we’re ready. We thought we were, but as soon as news came out that One Direction was coming back things went mad. Not only was it the fans though, but also people that didn’t like us. People started posting things, nasty things about us all over the internet. I’ve been told I can’t sing, that I’m ugly, worthless, that I deserve to die. People told me just to brush it off. That it happens to everyone in the music business. To focus on the good things people are saying. But if there are three people saying you’re amazing, you don’t think ‘why do they think I’m amazing?’ They think I’m amazing cause there a fan. But if there’s one person saying that they hate you, I’m like, why do you hate me? Like, what..what have I done?”

I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. I look over to Devin. Her head is down, watching her feet as we walk, hand in mine, tears running down her face already, so I don’t try to hold back mine.  
“I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who didn’t really care that much about what people thought about them, but I just don’t think I am. So it really got to me. So I came here. To try to figure out what I really wanted. And now, apart from all that, I’ve discovered all I really want is you.”


	12. Not By Me.

It’s funny how fast life changes. One moment you’re standing on solid ground, knowing how things are going to play out, and the next...it feels like you’re falling. I mean, never did I think I would ever be where I am. Walking next to Harry, my head is screaming. I assume his is too. But we walk in silence. holding hands, cigarette between his lips, one between my fingers. I feel safe with Harry. Which terrifies me. I mean, this is going way too fast. For God’s sake we’ve only known each other for like a week. But sometimes I guess it’s like that. I mean, my parents met, dated, and were married all within a year. My heart is beating so hard and so fast I can feel it in my ears. It’s so loud, I almost miss it when Harry starts talking.

“So D. What happens now?”  
“Well, it’s black friday, so obviously I have to work. What time do you have to go in?”  
“I close tonight.”  
“Me too. But...I want to go see Devon first. But you don’t have to come with me.”  
“Do you want me to come along?”  
“I think I’ll just go with Jess. But thank you.”  
We walk back to my apartment building and he pulls me into his arms again and kisses me on the forehead before walking towards his car.

I walk up the stairs and into the apartment to find Jess all curled up on the couch with a bottle of wine and a blanket.  
“Hey Jess, you realize day drinking won’t get rid of your hangover, it’ll just postpone it.”  
“Shut up. How was your walk with Harry?”  
“Good. It was good.” I say falling back on the couch.  
“Seriously? That’s all I’m going to get? Come freaking on, I need details.”  
“We talked Jess. Simple as that. I told him everything about Devon. Turns out he’s got a few skeletons of his own.”  
“Like what?”  
“I’m not sure I should really go into detail. Just that there more to the whole cocky act that he puts on. He’s actually quite a sensitive guy. He just puts on this act so he doesn’t get hurt.”  
“Hmm. Sounds like someone I know.”  
“I’m not like that.” With that, Jess cocks one eyebrow. “Shut up, Jess.”  
“Whatever you say. So did you wanna go get changed?”  
“Nah. Lets just go. I’ll drive.” 

Arriving at Devon’s grave is never fun. Not that I would expect it ever would be. But it’s just..grief is a funny thing. It’s different for everyone. The psychologist I went to see once told me there were five stages of grief. First is denial, you can’t imagine what is happening is real because the loss is so unthinkable. Then anger. You get angry at everyone and everything, including yourself. Then comes bargaining. You’re willing to give everything you have for just one more day, one more hug, one more kiss. Once the anger is too much to handle and the bargaining has failed, depression sets in. Then one day, you realize that what happened happened, and you’ve done everything you can, and you accept the loss for what it is. Grief can’t be controlled. But it can change in an instant. And that’s how you survive. Knowing that one day, somehow it won’t hurt this much, you won’t feel this way. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much I can’t breathe. So the best thing, the only thing I can do is be honest with myself right now. For whatever reason, no matter how many times I come here, it always feel like the first time. I always feel my chest tighten. 

Jess and I walk towards where he’s buried and sit down on next to his tombstone. We sit in silence for a bit, tears running down both our faces, our hands clasped to each others so tightly our knuckles are white. Finally, Jess breaks the silence.  
“Hey man, I realize it’s been a while since I’ve come to see you. I’m sorry about that. It’s just, I hate being reminded that you aren’t...that you’re actually here. In the ground. And I figure you’re around. Making sure I don’t get in too much trouble. Uh..so..let me give you a quick update. I haven’t got a drink named after me yet, though I think I’m close. I promise I’ll get one named after you too….Oh, I broke up with Nathan. I know you never liked him and you had plenty of reasons not to. And I know if you were still around, you would kick my ass for staying with him after the way he treated me.”  
“Wait, what?” I don’t care I’m interrupting her soliloquy. I’ve been trying to get her to break up with Nathan for months.  
“I ended it last night. We went out and he was all over this other girl. I just kept hearing Devon’s voice saying I deserve better. He’s said it to me a million times. I finally listened.”  
“I’m so proud of you honey.” I reach over and hug her.  
“I’m proud of me too. I’m sure you are too, Devon. I miss you man. And I know this girl misses you too. And she has something she needs to talk to you about. So I’m going to give you guys some privacy.” She reaches over and gives me a squeeze around the shoulder and a kiss to the temple before getting up and walking to the car.

I kiss my fingertips then place them to the grass. “Hey babe. I miss you. Some days, so much I can’t move. But you know that. I don’t know how, but I can almost feel you with me sometimes. I know you can’t be happy with the way I’m dealing with this, but I’m doing the best I can. I love you. I will always love you. You have a piece of me. I’m sorry..we never got to get married or have kids or grow old together. I wanted that so much. I wanted to be your wife more than anything. But life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to, right? God, I miss you. But I wanted to talk to you about something. I know you want me to be happy. I know you don’t want me to be alone. And for the longest time, I didn’t give a shit about that. All I wanted was to have you back. I’ve been spending the last year trying to convince myself I can survive being alone the rest of my life. But I’m realizing that I’m not strong enough to be alone. You always said I was a fragile soul. Guess you were right…..Babe...I met someone. And I wanted to tell you before anything really happened. Wanted to make sure you were okay with it. I mean. I don’t know. You don’t want me to be alone. You want me to be happy. This guy, his name is Harry. He’s really nice. You’d like him. I feel safe with him. I can’t explain it, but I really believe he wouldn’t ever hurt me. Not intentionally, at least. It’s been a year babe. I miss you, I love you and I always will. And I think it’s time for me to start trying to move on. I know it's what you'd want...So that’s what I’m trying to do. You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten. Not by me. Not by Jess. The point of this..what I’m trying to say is..I want you to be at peace. I want you to know that I’ll be okay.”  
“That’s right Dev. You will.” I feel Jess’ arms come around me. I lean onto her shoulder and we just cry together. We grieve the loss of a lover, a friend, and a good man.


End file.
